'Why don't you just leave him?'
One of the most unhelpful phrases you can say
It’s been all right this week, hasn’t it? A little less impending doom in the air, almost feels like what could be a sliver of optimism. But that might be because my Craft Gin delivery arrived.
I’ve been revisiting old journals for script research over the last few days and one page in particular caught my eye. At the time of writing it, I was trying to leave a crap relationship which I knew was about as toxic as Trump’s overflowing cesspit. I was asking myself the question:
‘why don’t I just leave him?’
It wasn’t only me asking the question - friends and family couldn’t understand why I hadn’t cut myself free. It was obvious to everyone, myself included, that this relationship was ceremoniously sapping my self-esteem by the second. So why didn’t I end it?
Just because we know something is bad for us, it doesn’t necessarily make us stop doing it. Smoking, junk food, booze. We know fundamentally it’s not doing us any good but we smoke, eat, drink because it gives us a bit of a high and we’ve chosen to make it… ‘part of life’. Juice God, Jason Vale says in his book Kick The Drink Easily, we know we’re addicted to something when the thought of never having it again fills us with fear. That’s a bit scary, isn’t it?
When I was in that particular toxic relationship, the fear of being alone far outweighed how shitty the relationship was, so I stayed. I knew it was bad for me but I’d convinced myself I couldn’t be without it. It wasn’t for about eight years after that journal entry that I finally made peace with being alone. I’d argue I probably love it a bit too much now.
Why else don’t we leave crap relationships quickly? One word: normalisation. All of us right now are perched on a big, fluffy cloud of normalisation.
Normalising = surviving
We like normal. Normal is comfortable. Normal is what we’re used to. When an event/ circumstance/ person pushes us out of what we deem ‘normal’, we feel uncomfortable, irritable, scared, and will do all we can to redraw our chalk circle. After only a few days of this pandemic we heard the phrase: “the new normal”. There was a global effort for us to normalise in order to keep us as calm as possible.
Sometimes something snaps us out of our normalising haze. For me it’s when I go to the supermarket and that tinny tannoy comes on: “we are doing all we can to help protect our customers in this Coronavirus pandemic, please stop buying all the loo roll and flour you greedy fucks”. Ok I paraphrased there, but that’s when I re-realise… ‘wow, we’re in a global pandemic. This isn’t normal at all’ and I quickly jam 4 loo rolls into my trolley and keep it moving.
Normalising can keep us pacified but it can be also be highly dangerous. If you’re in a toxic relationship you may normalise your partner’s controlling behaviour just to get by from one day to the next. You could mask it as love, caring, being overprotective. You make it your ‘new normal’.
It’s helpful, using a little awareness, to occasionally assess what you’ve filed as ‘normal’. Check it’s in the right folder, be sure it hasn’t been put there in error, in order for you to ‘get by’.
There’s a myriad of reasons why leaving a bad relationship is not as easy as dropping them a WhatsApp saying:
There could be financial implications to leaving, if there’s children and marriage involved it’s all the harder, it could be dangerous for you to leave. If you want more resources and help with this, click here. We must also take into consideration that in the current climate, it’s likely even trickier to ‘just leave’ if you’re in a controlling relationship.
If you’ve normalised behaviours + you’re scared of being alone you’ll find that when one toxic relationship comes to an end, it won’t be too long before you’re in another. You’ll easily attract someone else who displays the same behaviours you’ve already filed as ‘normal’.
So, what’s the answer? Firstly, don’t beat yourself up - it’s the mind’s natural defence to normalise, it’s not your fault if you stay but you can arm yourself with the knowledge you need to work out what a healthy relationship is. Secondly, find peace in being alone. Like me, you may be in solo lockdown right now. The thought initially scared the living shit out of me but now I fill my days working, talking to friends and family and actually enjoying the thoughts reverberating inside my head. I mediate, get outside for my allocated exercise and make sure if I’m feeling lonely, I talk to someone. Also cheese is really good, make sure you’re stocked. Thirdly, redress your ‘normal’, reset your boundaries. What is acceptable for you, and what is not?
If your mate is in a shitty relationship right now, it’s not helpful to be irritated that they ‘just can’t see it’ and question ‘why don’t they just leave him/her’. What is helpful is extending a listening ear, letting them know you don’t judge them and, for the love of God not using the phrase:
‘If I were you…’
You’re not me, you pelican penis. But more on that another time.
Let’s finish with what hopefully will become our ‘new normal’: competent political leaders giving inspirational, hopeful and uplifting speeches to enthuse the next generation of thought leaders:
Have a good week in your new normal x
P.s. If you’re looking for a good escapist Lockdown Pt. 2 read, I highly recommend Festival of Death. For crime fiction fans, this ticks all the boxes.
Thanks for being here for my second Substack. It’s always a bit anxiety-inducing doing things like this so I really appreciate your shares, DMs and likes. Hopefully it’s been up your street. If you have a mate who needs to read content like this, a share could go a long way.
Thank you for sharing this. I've been in this situation and it is definitely not helpful to be asked "why don't you just leave?" I'm finding Al-Anon meetings on ZOOM very helpful in sorting out my codependency recovery and reading articles like yours! Thank you, again! <3